6 years ago an event changed my life

I believe that when we were in the preexistent we signed up for the hard things we go through in this life. We knew we would be strong enough to handle these things. After this event I believed it more. I had to believe this. I have always heard of people blaming Heavenly Father for the bad things in our lives, or he won't give us things that we can't handle. But I think we took apart in the decision making. 

Over the years i have dealt with depression, anxiety, and emotional effects because of what has happened. But after all these years I have never had to deal with anger. I have seen how holding a grudge, anger, againest someone can effect your life. I was a victim of a crime, I didn't want to be a victim of anger as well. I let go and forgave him within weeks of the event. The way I look at it is, Heavenly Father is the one that will judge him for his actions, he will get what is coming for him. But over the years I have learned, he is a child of Heavenly Father as well. If he still loves him why can't I? Well I'll just send him light and love for the time being. 

I have heard a lot of different things from people about this over the years. One was it was my fault, because the way I acted and dressed. Yes I wasn't or hadn't been doing the right things at the time, but at the time of the event I was trying to be a better person. What he did to me was NOT my fault. That comment hurt me the most and I still have hard feelings for the person that told me that. Another one was to serve. Service will help with the feelings of depression, and anger. I tried to serve at the time, but it was to hard.  But now I look back on that piece of advice and I can say it does help. The worse, and last thing that bugs me the most is 'get over it, or move on'. Please I am begging you, never say that to anyone about anything you have no clue what they are feeling. It doesn't help to say those things, or to 'think of something else'. Sorry darling easier said then done. Just tell the person you love them and it will get easier with time, or DONT SAY ANYTHING! 

Today has been 6 years and it snuck up on me. The last couple of years I have tried to prepare myself for this day. By staying busy, shopping, playing, having my mom with me. Most years I would have been triggered by now, some smell, coldness, or reminder would set me off. But this year it was like BAM! The only reason I knew it was today was because I was looking for something and I came across the paper work. So I had a sleepless night last night, and when 6 Am came this morning, I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to stay home because 

A) I was to tired 

B) once you put in your 2 weeks you just don't want to go in anymore.

Lastly C) I didn't want to deal with the emotion I knew was coming. 

If you know me at all, I don't like to show any type of emotion beside happiness. Crying I don't do If I am infront of anyone. I put those feelings deep down and lock them up. The first year I didn't cry about it once. Well I cried when I called my parents and told them. Other then that, it took 13 months and 2 weeks for me to cry and let out the emotions that was building up. So I know what it is like to build it up. I do cry when I am alone, or in my therapists office. I'm trying to let go of emotion. 

Well today I went to work and enough though it was THE hardest day I have had in a long time, I made it through the day. There was a tears shed. Not for the event itself. But because how the event effect my life so much. My depression, anxiety, and emotional illness. But I have seen the blessings that have come from this. I hit rock bottom 5 years ago. I was going to end my life. I know it's a huge, selfish thing to do, but I believe Heavenly Father knows how I was feeling and he understood how I felt. This event lead to another HUGE event in my life that changed my out look on life, and changed my life for the best. 

I just want thank the people that have stood by me, helped me through the hard times, and the up and downs. Thank you for those that were up with me all night long that night, those that took care of me days and weeks after. I am grateful to know that I have everyone of you on my side. I love you all deeply.

If you know someone that is dealing with depression or you are yourself, this is the best talk I have heard, and reread more then once. It brings tears to my eyes every time because he is speaking the truth. 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

I will struggle with depression, anxiety, and emotion illness the rest of my life, but with time, therapy and the atonement I will be able to deal with these things and become the daughter my Heavenly Father wants me to be.